Caffeine is not my friend

Caffeine is not my friend.  For several decades I have dealt with general anxiety disorder and every time I have tea or coffee the caffeine exacerbates the conditions related to anxiety.  I feel jittery.  Negative thoughts invade me and I cannot let go of them.  I have experimented with taking caffeine completely out of my life, but then once in a while, when I am a guest somewhere and the host insists on me having a cup of tea or coffee, my reaction to the caffeine is very strong.  So I decided to have some caffeine everyday--in order to build tolerance for caffeine, for that particular day when my tolerance for caffeine will be tested when I am visiting a friend.  One cup of tea, right around midday, is my remedy.  But day before yesterday I did something different.  I had a cup of tea and then later felt a sore throat. So I made myself a pot full of green tea.  The idea was that several cups of green tea, consumed with lemon and honey will soothe my throat and I would feel better.  I completely forgot there is caffeine in green tea as well.  The accumulated caffeine through a cup of regular tea and then three cups of green tea attacked me with vengeance. I went into a mode of OCD thoughts and there was no way I could come out of it.  In that mindset there was this fear of having a heart attack soon; that my arteries were choked and I did not know about it; that moments later I would just fall on the floor.  My partner was not at home.  Will I live through the heart attack without any quick medical help?  In short, it was one negative thought after another.  And I could not escape.  And I could not even tell myself that all this is only in my head.  That there is nothing wrong with me.  This went on for several hours.  I went to bed but could only sleep for a few hours.  The next day was slightly better, but not a whole lot.  Just last night I had a very good sleep and now I am feeling great.  I can see things more clearly and see how stupid I am at times.  How to have more tolerance for caffeine is the main question.  I just have to do it.  I cannot live a life being in constant fear of caffeine.

Computer problems

Computer makes my life easy, but when it wants to give me a tough time it makes my life a lot tougher than how it would have been without any computer.  Today, I spent a crazy amount of time trying to remove a malware from this computer.  I have all kind of protection of this computer, but I still get attacked.  It is insane!

Death of a distant relative

He died yesterday, having seen only 63 years in this world.  For as long as I remember seeing him, he was unemployed--his siblings helped him, financially.  He was the youngest of five children and a darling to his mother, especially after he suffered from polio and could only walk on one leg.  His mother won't let him do anything on his own.  She was there to bring him food and even hand-feed him, quite late in his life.  What did so much love do to him?  It spoiled him.  He never got any good education; never learned any trade.  But things were OK as long as the loving mother was there.  No one lives forever.  One day his mother died.  He was viciously thrown in the reality of life. Suddenly he was on his own, and he was not well-prepared to be on his own.  He did odd jobs: factory work, night time security duty, and other chores that did not require any education or skill.  But then as he grew older, his health grew poor.  He could not work any longer. He stayed at home, doing nothing.  His brothers, and sometimes his sisters, gave him money for him to sustain himself.  He lived like that for many years and then died one day.  Ever since I got the news, I have been thinking about him and the kind of life he lived.  Did he live such a wasteful life only because he lived in Karachi?  Living in a developed world, had his life been a bit different, better, more meaningful?  I wish I had the answers.

Traveling vs Education

Women forced to prostitution in Venezuela